Why Am I Not Impressed By These Naked Ladies? Asks Top Tory

'LADS' magazines are filled with images that, for some reason, are not attractive in the slightest, a senior Tory MP said today.

'I'd like to see Gemma Atkinson tie a sheep-shank'

Shadow education secretary Michael Gove said the magazine culture was damaging society 'with all its nipples and thongs' and that editors should instead publish photographs of Red Indian warriors or 'muscly pirates'.

In a keynote speech in London, Mr Gove said: "Look at this one, this 'Gemma Atkinson' with her cheeky smile and extremely large breasts. Am I supposed to find this attractive?

"Am I supposed to be getting that funny, warm feeling in my shorts? Is my thingy supposed to get all big like it does when I go camping with my chums?

"Nuts? Nuts is it? Well I bought myself a copy of this Nuts and there were no pictures of 'nuts' to be found.

"Just lots of young ladies all bent over and pouting at me for goodness knows what reason. They should jolly well cheer up and put a jumper on."

He added: "I had hoped Nuts would at least furnish me with a pictorial guide to the edible nuts of the British Isles so my chums and I could ramble in safety and not end up with sore tummies and be forced to rub each other."

Mr Gove said boys spent far too much time thinking about girls, who were ghastly anyway and had no idea how to start a fire, or catch a rabbit or wrestle in a friendly way.