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WHY CAN'T BRITAIN LEARN HOW NOT TO GO OUTSIDE? |
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22-12-09 |
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AS the latest cold snap brought Britain to a standstill, anger was growing over the country's inability to just say 'fuck this' and watch loads of DVDs.
 This is not as hard as it looks
As 250,000 cars were abandoned near Basingstoke and Gatwick airport used attack dogs to thin-out its check-in queues, experts stressed they were making a fresh pot of tea and deciding between Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the TJ Hooker box-set and season four of Boston Legal.
Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "Not going outside when it snows can seem complicated to the average layman. You could try pretending there's a flesh-eating zombie vampire snowman on the other side of your front door. Your worthless job will still be there when it melts.
"You see, Mother Nature, in her grace and wisdom, has once again presented us with the opportunity to watch even more television while shovelling savoury carbohydrates with the hand that is not rammed down the front of our jogging pants. And yes, we are having a William Shatner marathon."
Prof Brubaker's deputy, Dr Tom Logan, added: "If I 'lived' in Basingstoke, I'd never leave the fucking house."
Last night local authorities admitted they used up their supplies of road grit in a series of equality and diversity workshops in August and whatever was left was used to fill small plastic bags that were then thrown at smokers.
Meanwhile cross-Channel rail company Eurostar has apologised to passengers after dozens of innocent British trains were molested by French snow.
A spokesman said: "Our trains were not designed to cope with the sort of over-bearing, pervert snow you get in northern France. They've been touched-up and they need time to heal."
The company also warned that many of the British passengers stranded near Calais may now be too French to return to the UK.
The spokesman added: "The friend or relative that you thought you knew and loved may now be irredeemably Frenchified. Do you really want them back?"
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