POSITIVE discrimination is the only way to help women achieve success in the workplace, some jumped-up cow said yesterday.

The spoon is now one of Harman's fiercest critics

She added: "When I applied to be deputy leader of the Labour party, I was not the best qualified candidate. The best qualified candidate was a spoon.

"If it was not for positive discrimination I would not have been able to get above myself in such an extravagant and irresponsible way."

Under Ms Harman's proposals women who want to be airline pilots will not have to be able to fly, but will get the job if they are roughly the same height as the male candidates and are able to wear a hat.

Positive discrimination will also be extended to food stuffs and inanimate objects so that if a man is up against a tea cup, the tea cup will be offered the job.

Ms Harman said: "If vegetables can produce, watch and star in Big Brother, there is no reason why a large piece of wood cannot run Vodafone."

But Bill McKay, deputy director of the CBI, dismissed claims of workplace discrimination, adding: "These days most organisations simply choose whoever is the least biggest arsehole. If only the Labour Party would do the same."

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