You are never more than six feet away from a Dave

YOU are never more than six feet away from a bloke called Dave, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies found that that every single person in the UK knows at least seven Daves at any given time and the Daves are now spread evenly across the entire country.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Traditionally, Daves were largely confined to pubs, snooker halls or at the ‘footy’ with the ‘Garys’ and ‘Ians’, but in recent years they have taken over offices and the gym.

“There’s probably at least one Dave under your desk at work. Meanwhile, always remember to check your shed and the boot of your car for Daves.

“There may even be a medium-sized Dave in your attic.”

He added: “We think Britain is now approaching peak-Dave as we have yet to find a Dave under the age of 10.”

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Woman condemned for failing to breastfeed despite not having children

A WOMAN had been publicly shamed for her choice not to breastfeed despite not actually being a mother.

Although she has two fully-functioning mammaries, Emma Bradford has so far refused to put them to their natural use, provoking an online backlash.

Former colleague Nikki Hollis, posting on Facebook, said: “They have a biological function Emma, but I see you’ve been brainwashed by the patriarchy.

“I don’t care if your child is seven years old or isn’t even a twinkle in its father’s eye, yet. Breast is best.”

Complete stranger Carolyn Ryan responded: “Let’s give Emma the benefit of the doubt, there may be medical reasons she doesn’t breastfeed. Let’s wait for her to tell us her intimate medical history and then judge her.”

Bradford’s claim that she does not breastfeed because she is not lactating and has no infants only inflamed the situation, with general agreement that she was a selfish harpy.

Hollis concluded: “Not having children is selfish enough, but not breastfeeding those children? Shame on her.”

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