the dailymash

Legal liquids now include jams, mustards, bomb juice and most types of spreadable paste.

Under the simplified regime passengers will also be allowed to take two bags into the cabin at all airports except the ones where they can't.

Meanwhile the limit on the number of beards who can travel together has been increased from two to four.

Tom Logan, spokesman for the British Airports Authority, said: "These new rules are so simple and straightforward that anyone who can't remember them must be a terrorist.

"People flying from Heathrow can take two bags, but if they land with both of them at any other airport they will be pinned down and shot in the face."

EasyJet is allowing two bags, but the extra bag will be thrown out in mid-air and collected, hopefully, by an old bus somewhere along the route.

Logan added: "The bus will then deliver all those bags that are still remotely intact, although we do expect delays of up to 12 hours."

Ryanair will accept two pieces of hand luggage, but passengers will have to allow chief executive Michael O'Leary to punch them in the face.

Mr Logan said that bearded, olive-skinned men who jibber-jabber in a threatening manner had nothing to fear from the new regulations.

"As long as they don't mind having big Andy in them, right up to the elbow," he added. "And this year he has promised to take off his watch."