Airport Scanner Pics Disappoint Masturbators
THESE airport x-ray images that
were supposed to show full-frontal nudity are very disappointing, creepy masturbators said last night.
The first batch of stolen scanner pictures was recently compiled in underground pornographic publications entitled Blurry Babes and Indistinct Horny Stallions.
Devout onanist, Tom Logan, said: “The quality is atrocious, it’s like trying to pleasure yourself over a fake ghost picture. I’d get more satisfactory self-pleasuring from a copy of the Fortean Times.
“These scanner guys really need to up their game with some higher-resolution cameras, more imaginative poses and some sexy backdrops.
“For example they could x-ray the travellers as they lie on a glass coffee table in front of a roaring log fire, eating a cherry.”
Stephen Malley, who lives with his parents and wears t-shirts that say things about beer, added: “These supposedly hot naked bitches look like characters from ZX Spectrum games.
“As a youngster I crossed oceans to see a decaying copy of H&E that someone’s cousin had buried in a recreation ground sandpit. It was the most disappointing pseudo-porn experience of my life – until now.
“I’ve a good mind to do a protest wank in Heathrow car park.”
Meanwhile, security experts stressed that even if you are lucky enough to be among the one in 488,000 people who does not look disgusting without clothes, the possibility of some distant loner frotting over a blocky picture of your arse is still better than exploding in the sky.
Airport security co-ordinator Emma Bradford said: “Naturally we try to stop these pictures falling into the wrong hands. But if they do, so fucking what?”