the dailymash

The Royal United Services Institute predicts that by 2016 the number of fully trained military personnel will drop from 175,000 to around nine or possibly 10, compromising Britain's ability to help America kill people who do not believe in Santa.

An MoD spokesman said: "If we could recruit a battalion of bloodthirsty Cenobites and train them in armed combat, they could do the same job as a normal soldier and then some.

"They're cheaper and have the added advantage that because they're technically dead, they can't be killed.

"Unless of course someone finds the solution to the Puzzle Box and sends them back to hell. In which case we're a tad fucked. Hypothetically."
 
But serving officers said human soldiers will be put at risk and warned it would be 'counterproductive' if the Army is 'watered down' with thousands of creatures not born of this world.

Shortly before the invasion of Iraq, the Royal Marines attempted to train a division of gargantuan Krakens, the notoriously temperamental sea-monsters that lurk off the Norwegian coastline.

Military analyst Tom Logan said: "Not only were they continuously moody and insubordinate, they would also destroy entire coastal towns on a whim and eat the battleships they were supposed to be protecting.

"Still, at least they don't keep going on about bloody helicopters."