Army Can't Fight 14 Wars At Once, Says Duke Of Wellington
London, 26th of June, 1814
HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.
In a letter to the editor of The Times the Duke gave dread warning that the Royal Scots and the Coldstream Guards are stretched beyond reason and in desperate need of new hats.
"Sir, these hats are not fit for a Frenchman," wrote the Duke. "I implore the Prime Minister and the Prince Regent to immediately make funds available for the commissioning of a new hat, which I myself have designed."
British regiments are currently suppressing four separate Indian rebellions, while the remainder of His Majesty's forces remains at war with France, Italy, Austria, Venezuela, the Ottoman Empire, China, Siam, Abyssinia, the Zulus and the Isle of Man.
"Without these fine new hats and the soldiers that fight beneath them, we will surely lose the initiative on the Iberian Peninsula," continued His Grace.
"In a matter of weeks the Horn of Africa will once again find herself besmirched by the dread clutches of the ghastly Turk!
"We must secure at once an honourable settlement which returns fair Siam to the stewardship of the Belgians, while acceding to Venezuela's alliance with the Emperor of Japan.
"Meanwhile, the Manxmen of the Isle of Man must be allowed to return to their goat molestations, unmolested."
His Grace concluded: "Sir, as the Duke of Marlborough once wrote, 'Great Britain must always be engaged in eight different wars. Any less is an admission of weakness, any more is just silly-buggers'."