BAA TO REDUCE CHECK-IN TIMES BY FIRING EVERYONE

BAA has unveiled a radical plan to improve the efficiency of Britain's major airports by firing all of its staff.

"No-one seems to be doing anything!"

After a major consultation exercise, the directors believe an anarchic, blood-spattered free-for-all would improve check-in times at Gatwick and Heathrow by up to 97%.

Bill McKay, BAA's head of operations, said: "It became clear to us that having people working in the airport was actually making things much, much worse.

"Allowing people to stroll through the airport unhindered before throwing their own bags onto the plane will deliver an enhanced airporting experience.

"If people can't get along then inevitably there will be bloodshed. But it's far better to have these fights in the terminal than bottling it up until you get on the plane."

McKay said the purchase of duty free goods will be obligatory and included in the ticket price.

"Passengers will simply collect a big box full of fags, brandy and Toblerone as they arrive in the terminal."

He added: "Lager will be available from a self-service kiosk so you can all get suitably tanked-up and aggressive before you inflict your hellish families on the good people of Southern Spain."

And he insisted that security would not be compromised: "The in-built prejudices of the average British person will prevent anyone a bit suspect from boarding the plane.

"In the fast moving world of aviation, mob rule and instant justice can deliver sustained shareholder value."

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