the dailymash

Security chiefs believe the bombers will turn back rather than confront the naked knees and loose morals of western women.

Admiral Lord West, the security minister, said: "If there's one thing we know about the Islamo-fascist it's that he hates the lovely ladies.

"When he's driving up to the airport in his petrol-filled Jeep he's expecting to see a lot of fat Glaswegians dressed in Macintoshes and the like.

"But then he turns the corner and 'whammo!' he's face-to-face with some of Britain's most delicious totty.

"His loins begin to stir, his resolve is weakened and me and my bevy of lovelies retire for a round of well-earned martinis."

The Bikini Squads are among a series of deterrents outlined by the government including a network of gigantic bollards and herds of roaming pigs.

Lord West added: "The Islamist no-likey ham and bacon. Here's hoping the site of a plump British porker will turn his stomach and send Johnny Jihad back to the desert with his tail between his legs."

The government has also announced a relaxation on airline baggage. From 2008 British air passengers will be allowed to bring back a third bin-liner filled with cigarettes and gin.