British General Stopped Russians From Killing James Blunt
A BRITISH general’s intervention to stop World War III may also have prevented the destruction of James Blunt, it emerged last night.
General Sir Mike Jackson over-ruled US orders for Blunt to attack Russian troops in Kosovo in 1999, which would almost certainly have led to a brutal exchange of fire and ensured You’re Beautiful was never written.
Blunt, a former tank commander, revealed in a radio interview just how close the world had come to not having to experience the stench of his rancid, semi-acoustic vomit.
General Jackson apologised last night, but added: “How was I supposed to know I was talking to James Blunt?
“Was I supposed to say, ‘ignore that order unless you are planning to write a series of simpering ballads that will be included on Valentine’s Day compilation albums for fucking ever?’.
“Like you, I would happily have seen Europe and the United States ground into a fine powder, but I just assumed I was talking to the sort of chap who would leave the army and end up working for some hedge fund that would merely bring capitalism to the brink of total collapse.”
But General Jackson was condemned by angry humans across Britain, with most calling for him to be smashed to pieces with bulldozers.
Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Fuck World War III. We had a chance to live in an empty, smouldering world completely free from You’re Beautiful, but instead we are all forced to live in an over-populated hellhole where the fucking thing is everywhere.“
Meanwhile, in a chilling twist, the singer also claimed he would have disobeyed the US orders anyway, raising the appalling spectre of an army where people like James Blunt are allowed to make decisions.
Logan added: “‘Oh no, I better not kill that crazy Al Qaeda Nazi that’s bearing down on your family with a massive gun because they might be beautiful’.”