The Daily Mash » War

Horses declare war on humanity

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 08:42:18 +0000

HORSES are now at war with humans.

£45m death machine used for killing people

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 08:58:14 +0000

A MASSIVE helicopter armed with machine guns, missiles and rocket launchers has been used to kill people, it has emerged.

Army to hold pistols sideways

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 10:04:32 +0000

THE British Army is to modernise its pistol-holding techniques with positions up to and including sideways. The Army will train all soldiers to hold the standard-issue weapon horizontally in a bid to attract recruits who would otherwise join street gangs or the police. A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “Our current style of pistol holding [...]

Two-thirds of young people think World War I is still going on

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 13:10:41 +0000

66% of UK teenagers think the Great War is not yet over, according to a survey by the Institute for Studies. 17-year-old Tom Logan said: “It’s not as much of a big deal as it was because they’re all really old so it takes them ages to fire their guns. “Harry Patch was the most [...]

Best Nobel Peace Prize ever

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 10:30:07 +0000

THE Nobel Peace Prize has caused stroke-inducing rage from people who are an absolute joy to watch when they are angry.

Government announces moon-sized aircraft carrier

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:56:12 +0000

DEFENCE Secretary Philip Hammond has unveiled economy-boosting plans to build a gigantic, moon-shaped aircraft carrier. The project will kickstart the moribund construction industry, halt defence lay-offs and confuse people into thinking it is not really an aircraft carrier at all. Hammond said: “We will kidnap Harriet Harman and force her to watch as we obliterate [...]

Libyans to hunt down Back to the Future Libyans

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 06:43:08 +0000

"They are driving around Hill Valley like a bunch of maniacs."

We kind of assumed you wanted to kill us, army tells Taleban

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 09:29:14 +0000

BRITISH troops have assured the Taleban that the intention to kill them has been perfectly clear for a while.

Harry targeted by Taleban hen parties

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 11:43:12 +0000

PRINCE Harry will be a target for crazy Taleban good-time girls, experts have warned.

MoD unveils surface-to-air cockneys

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 08:44:46 +0000

COCKNEYS will be launched from the top of a tower block if someone attacks the Olympics, it has been confirmed.

Cameron to invade Isle of Wight

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 07:55:59 +0000

DAVID Cameron has drawn up secret plans to boost his popularity with an island-based war.

Predator drone visiting Afghan families on condolence mission

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 09:03:13 +0000

AFGHANS who lost family to a psychotic US soldier are being visited by a Predator drone programmed to comfort the bereaved.

Cameron Iran speech ‘lip-synced’ to video of Blair on Iraq

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 10:44:38 +0000

DAVID Cameron mimed a speech on Iran to the audio of an old Tony Blair speech on the need to invade Iraq.

Abu Qatada appointed UK’s jihad tsar

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:27:04 +0000

RADICAL Islamic cleric Abu Qatada is to overhaul British Islamo-fascism after being named as the country's first jihad 'tsar'.

Google kicks Queen in the face

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:13:07 +0000

GOOGLE has kicked the Queen squarely in the teeth, it has been confirmed.

Stock exchange bomb plot suggests Al Qaeda now on our side

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:26:52 +0000

A PLOT to blow up the London Stock Exchange suggests that Islamic terrorists now want to do us a favour, it has emerged.

Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:13:46 +0000

CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

End of Iraq war marked by beginning of Iraq civil war

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 09:16:42 +0000

AMERICA'S withdrawal from Iraq will be marked by a special civil war as soon as the last helicopter leaves.

British man planned to destroy Parliament with Scalextric

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 23:13:19 +0000

A 26 YEAR-old man has been accused of plotting to blow up parliament using toy racing cars.

Army to recruit people who are too mental to be in the army

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 10:22:34 +0000

PEOPLE like your crazy neighbour with all the replica weapons are to be allowed into the army as part of a cost-cutting initiative, it has emerged.