If Only We'd Had More Idiot Actresses, Says Mcguinness
THE IRA would have succeeded in driving the British from Ulster if it had recruited just one more dimwit actress, Sinn Féin's Martin McGuinness claimed last night.
As Charmed star Rose McGowan pledged to assassinate the entire DUP leadership, McGuinness said the IRA army council had identified a lack of moron starlets as early as 1979.
But a major recruitment drive was abandoned in the mid '80s after a series of high profile rejections, including Molly Ringwald, Heather Locklear and half-pint Dallas star Charlene Tilton.
Meanwhile Unionist pop princess Britney Spears has responded to McGowan's outburst by pledging guns and money for the Ulster Volunteer Force in the event of a resumption of sectarian violence.
Spears also promised a fund-raising cover version of the Loyalist anthem No Pope of Rome, accompanied by a 'hot, sexy protestant video' in which she wears nothing but a bowler hat and an orange sash.
McGowan's revelation means all three stars of Charmed (seasons 4-8) have now confirmed their terrorist affiliations.
Holly Marie Combs, who played Piper, has said she would 'love to see Baader Meinhof in concert', while Alyssa Milano, who played Phoebe, has described the Tamil Tigers as 'unbelievably cute'.
Hollywood terrorism expert Tom Logan said: "This is surprising. Rose was always a strong supporter of (former SDLP leader) John Hume and gave her backing to both the Anglo-Irish and Good Friday agreements, with only minor reservations about the long-term restructuring of the RUC.
"I think she may have been brainwashed by Shannen Doherty."