New 'Call Of Duty' To Include Six Months In Helmand

11-11-09

THOUSANDS of computer game fans were last night surprised to learn the new Call Of Duty includes a legally-binding pledge to fight in Afghanistan.

You can't pause this one to go for a piss

Following a deal between producers Activision and the Ministry of Defence the user agreement required to install the game commits the purchaser to a six month tour of duty in Helmand province, complete with real flying heads.

Last night unsuspecting fans queued outside shops across Britain to buy the game which looks set to swell the ranks of the army to over a million terrified, constantly urinating troops.

Xbox owner Charlie Reeves said: "I was looking forward to pretending to crawl through the jungle killing hundreds of computer-generated brown people when a sergeant major kicked down my door and dragged me off to the nearest barracks."

He added: "I should have bought FIFA10 instead."

Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth said: "This is a neat solution to the twin problems of youth unemployment and a lack of people willing to be killed overseas for no reason.

"Video game fans think that war is all about beating end-of-level baddies, which in this instance would be Bin Laden. I feel that three years wiping away their tears of terror with their own shit-stained underwear will soon disabuse them of this notion."

US copies of the game do not contain the agreement, as officials believe the current policy of promising inner-city teenagers parachute jumps and feeding photogenically hungry children is working just fine.

A Pentagon spokesman said: "For many of them, beating civilian prisoners to death and pissing on their heads is, essentially, a bonus level."

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