Don't Suppose You've Seen Bin Laden? Asks FBI

THE FBI has issued computer generated images of what Osama Bin Laden would look like now, just in case you have seen him and not realised.

Google And China In Battle To Enslave You

THE last great battle of our time was underway last night as Google and China began fighting for control of every living thing on the face of the Earth.

Stop And Search To Be Replaced With Good, Old-Fashioned Violence

BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.

Traffic Slows Down To Stare At Alastair Campbell

CENTRAL London ground to a halt last night as thousands of motorists slowed down to gawp at the mangled wreckage of Alastair Campbell.

Islam4uk Changes Name To Brian Thompson

THE government has banned the extremist group Islam4Uk, forcing it to change its name to Brian Thompson.

Guardian Readers' Heads Explode In Wootton Bassett Dilemma

A PLAN by radical Islamists to march through Wootton Bassett last night caused a series of Guardian reader head explosions across North London.

Al Qaeda To Wage Underpant-Based War, Say Experts

AL Qaeda has embarked on a new campaign of underpant-based terror and improvised exploding knickers, experts warned last night.

New Army Uniforms To Camouflage Lack Of Basic Equipment

BRITISH troops in Afghanistan are to be issued with new uniforms that can disguise the fact they are armed with nothing but rusty tin-openers.