War

Nuclear Submarine Found On Train

THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.

Al-Qaeda Documents Could Have Been Found By A Frenchman, Say MPs

TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.

Taliban In Retreat From Nancy Boy Actors

TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.

Terrorists Can Hold Their Breath For 41 Days, Claims Brown

GORDON Brown has quashed a backbench rebellion over the detention of terror suspects after revealing that terrorists can hold their breath for exactly 41 days.

Europeans Have Appalling Taste In Music, Say Experts

PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.

MI5 Agents Demand Pay Increase

BRITAIN'S spies are demanding a 25% pay increase to prevent their wives having to work as whores.

Majority Of Iraqis Expect To Still Be Alive By Lunchtime

THE number of Iraqis expecting to still be alive by lunchtime has risen to an all-time high, an upbeat new survey shows.

RAF To Bomb Peterborough Back To Stone Age

PETERBOROUGH was today bracing itself for wave after wave of devastating raids by low-flying Tornado fighter-bombers.