War

Terrorists Can Hold Their Breath For 41 Days, Claims Brown

GORDON Brown has quashed a backbench rebellion over the detention of terror suspects after revealing that terrorists can hold their breath for exactly 41 days.

Europeans Have Appalling Taste In Music, Say Experts

PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.

MI5 Agents Demand Pay Increase

BRITAIN'S spies are demanding a 25% pay increase to prevent their wives having to work as whores.

Majority Of Iraqis Expect To Still Be Alive By Lunchtime

THE number of Iraqis expecting to still be alive by lunchtime has risen to an all-time high, an upbeat new survey shows.

RAF To Bomb Peterborough Back To Stone Age

PETERBOROUGH was today bracing itself for wave after wave of devastating raids by low-flying Tornado fighter-bombers.

Hitler's Astrologer Forecast Good News On Part-Time Job

HITLER'S astrologer told the Nazi leader to expect good news about a part-time job or an unexpected cash gift from a family member, according to files just released by the National Archive. 

Unexploded Plastic Bag Found In Town Centre

POLICE last night cordoned off an unexploded plastic bag in the centre of Norwich, as shoppers fled for their lives.

Center Parcs Exposed As Terrorist Training Camps

THEY are portrayed as a haven for families, but beneath the idyllic, tree-lined surface, Center Parcs are teeming with paint-balling gangs of would-be terrorists, it was claimed yesterday.