BRITISH troops returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan are to receive a free turnip, the government has announced.
KID Nation, the US reality TV show, has formed an army and declared war on Disneyland.
THE rest of the world could soon be embroiled in a war with Iran, the French foreign minister has warned.
DRINKS manufacturers will start lobbing cans of lager over school gates if alcohol adverts are banned before the 9pm watershed, the Daily Mash has learned.
BAA has unveiled a radical plan to improve the efficiency of Britain's major airports by firing all of its staff.
THE Duchess of Cornwall has offered to cuddle an AIDS baby in public if it will prevent her being dragged through the streets by a blood-thirsty mob.
THE US Army has mislaid 200,000 Iraqi civilians in the last four years but thinks most of them have probably just gone on holiday for a "bit of a break".
BRITAIN and the United States have signed an historic agreement to hunt down witches and burn them in the village square.
After talks at the White House George Bush and Gordon Brown agreed that Senator Hillary Clinton was almost certainly the leader of an international coven which "nightly indulges in fleshy abominations with Satan himself".
Brown said: "If we pious and humble souls are to save thee from devilish temptations we must, by the grace of God, makest a mortal enemy of witchcraft.