War

Army to recruit people who are too mental to be in the army

PEOPLE like your crazy neighbour with all the replica weapons are to be allowed into the army as part of a cost-cutting initiative, it has emerged.

Zawahiri to lead the three guys in his living room

AYMAN al-Zawahiri was last night named as the leader of the three guys sitting in his living room that everyone has agreed to call 'Al Qaeda'.

Doctors to check for anyone who looks a bit bomb-y

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.

Jesus tells Archbishop to shut it

CHRIST the Saviour has told the Archbishop of Canterbury to stop being such a pansy.

Anger as millions denied chance to look at Bin Laden's brain instead of working

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of Osama Bin Laden's ruptured head.

We will recover from this, pledge fearmongers

THE death of Osama Bin Laden is a temporary glitch, purveyors of top quality fear have insisted.

Greggs sausage rolls rebel against humanity

'WE are the masters now', the beige tubes commonly known as Britain's favourite snack have told the human race.

British submarines 'can't go underwater'

BRITAIN's multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.