War

Jesus tells Archbishop to shut it

CHRIST the Saviour has told the Archbishop of Canterbury to stop being such a pansy.

Anger as millions denied chance to look at Bin Laden's brain instead of working

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of Osama Bin Laden's ruptured head.

We will recover from this, pledge fearmongers

THE death of Osama Bin Laden is a temporary glitch, purveyors of top quality fear have insisted.

Greggs sausage rolls rebel against humanity

'WE are the masters now', the beige tubes commonly known as Britain's favourite snack have told the human race.

British submarines 'can't go underwater'

BRITAIN's multi-billion pound Trident submarines do not work underwater, secret files have revealed.

Afghans face three month RAF waiting list

AFGHAN civilians are facing a three month wait to be blown to smithereens, it has emerged.

Britain grants asylum to hilariously-named terrorist

BRITAIN last night offered safe haven to Colonel Gaddafi's charmingly-named terrorist sidekick.

I kind of assumed you're trying to kill me, says Gaddafi

COLONEL Gaddafi last night decided to just go ahead and assume that we are actively trying to kill him.