War

Bankrupt Britain Forced To Give Up Weapons It Never Needed

GORDON Brown will this week tell the United Nations that Britain can no longer afford a fleet of multi-billion pound nuclear submarines it never needed in the first place.

Latest Bin Laden Tape Reveals Prog-Rock Direction

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

Guilty: The Twats Who Made Airports Even Worse

THREE twats were convicted yesterday of somehow managing to make British airports even more fucked-up than they already were.

Killer Robots Nothing To Worry About, Say Army Chiefs

THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.

French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

For Christ's Sake Just Buy Some Helicopters, Says Everyone

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

Very Big Terror Plot Not Very Big Or Terrifying Or A Plot, Admit Police

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.