War

French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack

GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.

For Christ's Sake Just Buy Some Helicopters, Says Everyone

MINISTERS were last night told to stop dicking about and just buy a load of helicopters, for Christ's sake.

Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

Very Big Terror Plot Not Very Big Or Terrifying Or A Plot, Admit Police

THE very big terror plot uncovered by police last week is not big, does not involve terrorists and is not a plot of any kind, it has emerged.

Terror Raids Unearth Huge Amount Of Bullshit

POLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.

Spectre Of Spandau Ballet Returns To Haunt Britain

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night warned that Britain faced a serious and imminent threat from dirty bombs and Spandau Ballet.

Former MI5 Chief Finally Gets It

THE former head of MI5 last night finally twigged that thing the rest of us realised about seven years ago.

Cabinet Minutes To Reveal Pre-War Blood Sacrifice

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.