THE terrorist threat level across the UK has been raised from 'spacehopper' to 'underpants', the Home Secretary confirmed last night.

Whatever you do, don't panic

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Following the discovery of two cars full of petrol and a fairly typical Saturday afternoon in Glasgow, the government has decided to increase the United Kingdom threat level from 'spacehopper' to 'underpants'.

"This reflects the seriousness of the current security situation. We will do everything outwith our power to ensure the threat level does not have to be increased to 'Philip Schofield'.

"You should go about your daily lives as if nothing is wrong while at the same time being constantly vigilant and terrified.

"If you don't like the look of someone, or you overhear comments that you disagree with, you should immediately point at your enemy and blow your whistle until police marksmen arrive."

Meanwhile security experts have called for a change of tactics to deal with the new breed of rubbish terrorists.

Denys Finch-Hatton, a security consultant, said: "The fact that they are unable to distinguish their arse from their elbow means we have to develop ever more imaginative ways to thwart them.

"Instead of asking people to remove their shoes at airports, perhaps we should be asking them to tie their laces. That might weed out some of the real half-wits."

THE DAILY MASH GUIDE TO UK THREAT LEVELS

'MANGO'
All is well. Unlock your doors and lend your car to a neighbour. Sing.

'HEDGEHOG'
Unsettling. What was that noise? Where were you born? Share my values at once young man.

'SPACEHOPPER'
Terribly frightening. Death has your business card. Trust no-one and carry a bucket at all times.

'UNDERPANTS'
Incredibly dangerous. You and everyone you know is now a terrorist. Go home and watch Grey's Anatomy.

 
'PHILIP SCHOFIELD'
Oh Christ. The shit's hit the fan. Your car is on fire. And so are your trousers.

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