the dailymash

YOUR life is spiralling out of control thanks to an ever more complex series of communication paradigms that will eventually murder you, Facebook confirmed last night.

Helping you make sense of whatever this is supposed to represent

The company said you will be dead by Christmas, probably found hanging from a bridge in a botched attempt to make it look like suicide, unless you make everything much simpler immediately.

Unveiling a new thing that does stuff, Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, said: “If you don’t kill email, email will kill you. It’s as simple as that.”

Zuckerberg said Facebook’s new thing brought together, for only the seventh time in history, both emails and those shorter messages that look like emails in the sense that you write them down and send them to an address but were actually completely different from emails thereby making the new thing so much simpler.

He added: “And then you won’t have to die.”

Technology analysts said the new Facebook thing was a direct challenge to one of the Google things that does stuff and could even deliver the final death blow to Microsoft’s gas powered fridge.

Julian Cook, deputy editor of ejacutech.com, said: “By bringing together these two things Facebook intends to make your life 14% more messagey. Or was it 14% less messagey? I missed that bit.

“But of course the point of Facebook is to make sure you never leave Facebook. It’s like Hotel California except it’s full of arseholes and their stupid opinions.”

Meanwhile anxious consumers said they didn’t understand any of this and did it mean they would have to come up with another fucking password that will only end up being cracked by Bulgarian gangsters anyway.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park said: “Why is this happening? Stop telling me things in that loud, fast way. Can you just make the broadband thingy faster?

“Please leave me alone.”