In The Commentary Box...

17-07-08

With Peter Alliss

OOOH dear, he's come up short again. Reminds me of the late, great Snuffy Edwards back in '53. He had just played his approach to the 12th at Carnoustie, when all of a sudden – zap! – he's vaporised by a lightning strike. He was, of course, disqualified for failing to sign his card. I suppose these days they'd have let him off…

I've received a lovely letter from Mr A. Gilligan of Dover. Thank you kind sir and that's a fine pitch and putt course you've got down there. Mr Gilligan writes, "Dear Mr Alliss, Could you please explain why these bastards who shout 'in the hole' at every given opportunity have not been put to death?".  A fair point Mr G and I'm sure you and I could list more than a few other offences worthy of the ultimate sanction…

Garcia's tee shot at the sixth… He's looking good this week. Not the tallest player, but my goodness he's firm. Magnificent thighs and, I'd imagine, quite a handful between the sheets, if you're that way inclined…

A speedy recovery to my old Dorset chum Bill Cavendish. 'Cavvy' was club captain at Dinnington for many years until he stole a car and chased his ex-wife down the high street. 'Old Cav' played off three before Mrs C found some unusual photographs stuffed behind the cistern and everything became rather unpleasant for a while. His game never recovered and he's now carding in the mid-nineties, poor devil. Chin up Bill. Might never happen…

Oh, and it just creeps past. It knocked on the tradesmen's entrance but they were all out to lunch… Bad luck for wassisname… the big Fijian with the huge hands… You know the one. Very, very dark chap. Lovely smile. Singh! That's the fella! Terrific stuff…

Justin Leonard there. You wouldn't want to get trapped in a lift with him would you? Better bring a crossword. Where have all the characters gone though? Lee Trevino, the old Tex-Mex chatterbox and the first man to wear elasticated trousers during the Open. My goodness, the battles he fought for those trousers. He was like Ghandi with a sand wedge. And of course, the wonderful Mr Gary Player, the first African not to be chased off the premises at Augusta. Happy days.

Oh Monty, Monty, Monty…

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