Columnists

He wasn't really a burglar, but I'm glad I killed him anyway

IT was three o’clock in the morning when I heard the ominous creak of my feet on the bedroom floor.

Guest blog: Daniel Craig

I owe everything to a technique I refer to as "the secret bender".

We've seen quite enough Middleton flesh oozing from the armpits of a £35 shift dress

I think can speak for everyone when I say "Kate, we are all sick of your skin."

I'm a busy father of three, yet all I want to do is get high

Anything is possible if you're willing to fight for your dream.

The ecowarrior's response to a brown, malformed lemon is the same as R-Patz's to Kristen Stewart

In fact, the safe looking ones are full of false promises and lies.

Guest blog: Davros

"Mr Davros, can you lift your arm above your head?”

People say women shouldn't involve themselves in politics because it never ends well

Julian is lucky to have a blank canvas regarding hair and I'm sure any old Ecuadorion lacky could nip to Boots for some Nice n Easy.

Jack Regan's Desert Island Discs

Every time Haskins gives me and George a bollocking, I put on some native American chanting music.