Columnists

I'm attempting to re-invent myself as a kind of elderly Angelina Jolie

The book's about a weird lady who must be very grumpy because she's always moaning.

Cat's entertainment: The Dark Knight Rises

What a cat thinks about the new Batman film.

Higgs Boson is a lot like 50 Shades of Grey

He's commanding the Bottom Quark to drive to the petrol station with no skirt on.

Should I colour in my bald patch with a felt tip?

Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses.

Madonna, no-one wants to see your udders anymore

Madonna's actions have resurrected the age old question of how old a nipple has to be before it is euthanised.

Cat's entertainment, with tabby Martin Harper

A feline perspective on the latest cinema releases.

Dermot Jaye's Self-Pleasure Island Disks

MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives - dancing, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

My neighbours are an even bigger shower of cretinous bastards than I thought.