Columnists

Desert Island Discs, with George Osborne

Many people think that I'm the sort of person who constantly had people urinating in his locker at school.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

For sheer edgy cool you cannot top masturbating in a disabled toilet in the provinces.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

Thinking on my feet, I whipped my pants down to give a rare showing of what my fifth form biology teacher giddily referred to as my Mambo Number Five.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

Any massive particle - be it me, an aubergine, an altar boy - we've all been interfered with.

One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

With Mel’s advancing years and poor diet, he’s probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

One survivor's week, with Karen Fenessey

It's no secret that some of the things I write make pretty difficult reading. But this one has literally killed me. Costa Concordia 2012 – I was there.

Stylish Masturbator, with Dylan Jones

'Hey Dermot, is that you in there, masturbating?'