Dermot Jaye's Self-Pleasure Island Disks

MUSIC is the soundtrack to our lives – dancing, driving, drinking, networking at exclusive members-only events and, perhaps most importantly, masturbating.

My listening/self-pleasuring room is a masterpiece of quiet refinement. It contains a custom-made Linn Sondek deck with Koetsu cartridge on a polished granite plinth beside a vintage calfskin-upholstered chair. That’s it, apart from a box of Kleenex and baby oil. The insanely high playback quality of my audio set-up means that engorgement begins as soon as the needle hits the vinyl. And before you ask, here are my all-time onanistic favourites (vinyl only, naturally).

Dermot Jaye’s Self-Pleasure Island Disks

Primal Scream – Screamadelica (Creation)

Andy Weatherall’s spacey, dubby production makes this the perfect soundtrack a blissed-out cosmic spankathon.

Bob Dylan – The Times They Are a-Changin’ (Columbia)

A surprise entry perhaps, but if you’ve never tried power-frotting to a protest song about disenfranchised mine workers, it’s time you did.

Public Enemy – It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (Def Jam)

Imagine your penis is an establishment figure, then vigorously fight the power.

Terence Trent D’Arby – Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D’Arby (CBS)

I’m as straight as Robert Elms but even I have to admit that Terence is pretty hot, rather like a soulful androgynous alien from a planet where plants have vaginas.

Kenny Rogers – The Gambler (United Artists/EMI)

Everyone has their masturbatory guilty pleasure and this sixth studio album from the pop-country legend is mine. You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em…

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Church pins hopes on Quasar

THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running ‘laser tag’ games.

The church’s business model previously revolved around weddings, but threatened obligations to perform services for homosexuals forced it to re-focus.

Quasar, or laser tag, is a team game involving plastic pretend guns that are basically torches, which reached moderate popularity circa 1995.

The Rt Rev Tom Logan said: “C of E Quasar is a fast-paced combat experience that is ideal for stag events, birthday parties or mildly spiritual corporate team building.

“From the vestry to the belfry, church buildings are rife with zapping potential.

“Your C of E Quasar experience will be accompanied by an elderly man playing 90s techno anthems on a massive organ. Also we’ve got strobes and smokes machines which look mental with the light from the stained glass windows.

“I’m sure that Jesus and his disciples, were they around in corporeal form today, would have relished the thrill of running around a big shadowy building, blasting Lucifer and his forces of darkness with beams of spiritual light.

“Especially when Jesus scored a direct hit on Lucifer’s ‘body vest’ so that it bleeped and vibrated, kind of like a mobile phone but much more exciting.”

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