The Campbell Diaries, Part 1: 'Bagpipes'
MAY 4, 1997: Moved into my Number 10 office today. Needs some decor. Will bring portrtait of Bob Maxwell from home. TB wants to 'hit the ground running'. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson has ordered a pommel horse for his office. God only knows.
MAY 17, 1997: Have taken up running. Helps stoke my aggression before I face the Lobby. Michael White from the Guardian is getting on my tits again. Would anyone really miss him if he just disappeared? Had a chat with Gordon today.
Out of his fucking mind. Lovely bloke. Best of luck to him. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Max Hasting's doorstep.
JUNE 14, 1997: Leak a story to the Evening Standard diary about Princess Diana fancying me. She does. Oh yes. So do the Spice Girls and Patsy Kensit. TB wants me to push the 'Cool Britannia' theme. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson's office is now full of black leather and little Greek statues. What's that about?
JULY, 25, 1997: Bernie Ecclestone is very short. I mean, he's half the size of me. Maybe that's what drives him. He seems to get the birds as well. (Big cock?). Anyway, it turns out the million quid was a bribe after all. TB wants to give the money back, for a while at least. JP (John Prescott) doesn't have a problem with fag adverts but that's because he's proper working class. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Peter Hitchen's doorstep.
AUGUST 24, 1997: Michael White has finally gone too far. Called me a bully and a psychopath. He has no cocking idea. Currently have him gagged and locked in a cupboard in the Cabinet Office while I ponder my next move. Suspect he'll change his tune after 20 minutes with me and my 'bagpipes'.