Opinion
My Perfect Bloody Christmas
By Michael Caine
Do you know, there are three things in this life that are a given: 1) Sean Connery will never put his hand in his bleeding pocket; 2) Michael Winner shouldn't be allowed to direct the bloody traffic; and 3) I'll never be asked to switch the Christmas lights on in Oxford Street ever again...
One Woman's Week: Love At First Bite
By Karen Fenessey
For some, this time of year means binging on mince pies, mulled wine and laxatives. However, for others, the birth of Christ can mean only one thing: dirty, filthy sex with hundreds of prostitutes.
Guest Blog: Michael Mcintyre
I was standing in the men's toilet in Sainsbury’s the other day, doing a man wee with my man's willy, when suddenly I had this thought: AREN'T WILLIES THE DAFTEST LOOKING THINGS!?!
My Big Gap Year: Family Thighs
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
Monday: Vienna
THIS week finds me in the Austrian capital - birthplace of such legendary musicians as Mozart and genius Band Aid 20 creator, Midge Ure. However, people forget that there's a dark underbelly to this place which involves doing stuff with your dad that I'd rather not even think about.
One Woman's Week: Spell It Like It Is
The reason our country is in such a mess is because the majority of its citizens gain their knowledge of punctuation from ready meals. That's why if Gordon Brown called me up to discuss his writing skills I'd have a little less to say about war and a little more to say about exclamation marks (!).
My Big Gap Year: Gypsy Rose Tea
Despatches from Poppy Spalding
Thursday: Romania
Romania! The place to be seen for vampires and gypsies. In fact, Romania isn't full of men in fake Adidas tops playing accordions and misunderstanding the municipal refuse collection system. The Romanies are a fantastic race who really know how to do Halloween.
One Woman's Week: Strippers
Even though I work with hippies and simpletons, I still say 'It's not my place to judge'. Thankfully this isn't true for Dannii and Cheryl. It's their role to see others for what they truly are; otherwise X Factor would be pointless and unwatchable. That's why I am appalled that the media has turned on them the way it has....
My Big Gap Year: Roman Holiday
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
THIS week finds me in Switzerland, home of chocolatey assault course, Toblerone and, more recently, randy holocaust survivor and film maker, Roman Polanski...