Mel, you with me? Remember the twelve inch? I think you do. We don't need another hero, is all I'm sayin', Mel. That was a bit of code between me and Mel, there.
After safely reaching port, we'll move into the Kremlin and dine on black caviar until we all get diarrhoea and have to lie down. Bon vivant!
I've wet myself. Inevitable.
Benjamin Disraeli would become the first name in Philip Schofield's list of gay Tory witches.
A Halloween-themed cinema review by a cat.
When you've a diet that as rich and varied as mine, the bathroom can become a seething, nightmarish jungle of microscopic ghouls.
There were revolting cheese footballs, disgusting party food from Iceland as well as several Sarah Lee gateaux. It all tasted utterly dreadful, but we had so much fun.
- He wasn't really a burglar, but I'm glad I killed him anyway
- Guest blog: Daniel Craig
- We've seen quite enough Middleton flesh oozing from the armpits of a £35 shift dress
- I'm a busy father of three, yet all I want to do is get high
- The ecowarrior's response to a brown, malformed lemon is the same as R-Patz's to Kristen Stewart