'Limited edition' products guaranteed to attract twats

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

North reminded once again that it supposedly loves brass bands

NORTHERNERS are once again being confronted with the brass bands they are supposed to enjoy in every town and shopping centre.

‘Intuitive’ woman able to sense the incredibly obvious

A WOMAN believes she has a gift for ‘reading’ social situations that are completely obvious to everyone, she has revealed.

Quiche just pizza's unemployed cousin 

QUICHE is just an underachieving distant relative of pizza, scientists have discovered. 

People discovered who drink wine for its flavour

THERE are people who enjoy wine as something other than a means of getting wasted, it has been claimed.

Boss who says ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ unaware he is what has happened

A SALES manager who tells employees ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ has no idea that they cannot because it has happened and it is he.

Budget just a picture of a skull and crossbones

PHILIP Hammond has revealed that his Budget is just a picture of a skull and crossbones.

Over 30s not on property ladder 'can f**k off'

YOUNG people desperately need help buying their own home but anyone over 30 can just suck it, society has decided.

Middle class foodie who 'sources ingredients' actually just going to Tesco Express

A MIDDLE class man refers to his food shopping as 'sourcing ingredients' as opposed to ‘going to the shops’, it has emerged.