ED Miliband cannot even masturbate like a proper grown-up, it has been confirmed.
MEMBERS of Parliament will receive their salaries in food vouchers to prevent them wasting money on alcohol and duck houses.
DAVID Cameron has casually mentioned the names of some people who are 'really standing in Russia's way'.
ED Miliband is to quit the Labour leadership and join a gang of amateur detectives led by a ravenous Great Dane.
MICHAEL Gove has been abducted by the militant Marxist group Enemies of Promise.
GEORGE Osborne has reassured Britain that the new housing boom he is trying to create will never, ever end.