Politics

Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

Gordon Brown 'anally probed by ETs'

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.

Public confused by concept of Tory rebels

POLITICAL commentators are being repeatedly asked to explain exactly what a Tory rebel is and if they look anything like James Dean.

Balls is a vampire, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne has launched a fresh attack on Ed Balls, saying he is 'pretty sure' the shadow chancellor is a vampire.

Cameron launches campaign of racism against Greeks

THE coalition government has launched a £10m campaign encouraging everyone to hate the Greeks.

Cameron heckler offered Newsnight job

THE BBC has asked the Olympic volunteer who heckled David Cameron during a pre-games speech to contact them about potential work.

Government unveils plan for Muppet House of Lords

MINISTERS are pushing ahead with plans for an upper house of Parliament operated by the Jim Henson Workshop.

Queen to meet McGuinness at Rihanna video site

THE Queen is to shake hands with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness at the place in Belfast where Rihanna's We Found Love video was filmed.