Politics

Cameron on severe E comedown

DAVID Cameron is in floods of tears today after having taken Ecstasy with Boris Johnson at the Olympics closing ceremony.

'Up North' to become a single constituency, vows Cameron

RADICAL boundary changes by the Conservative party will make it mathematically impossible for Labour to win an election, it has emerged.

Clegg to set more achievable goals

FOLLOWING his failure to push through House of Lords reform, Nick Clegg is to attempt less ambitious things like making roast potatoes.

Mitt Romney completes tour of Europe by urinating on Lenin's tomb

REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Mitt Romney has concluded a visit to Russia by relieving himself on the casket containing the enbalmed body of Lenin.

Aidan Burley convinced career is back on track

MP AIDAN Burley last night reassured friends that he is still on schedule to be prime minister by 2017.

Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

Gordon Brown 'anally probed by ETs'

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.

Public confused by concept of Tory rebels

POLITICAL commentators are being repeatedly asked to explain exactly what a Tory rebel is and if they look anything like James Dean.