Politics

Nobody ever said anything mean about Ed Miliband, says Chuka Umunna

CHUKA Umunna has pulled out of Labour’s leadership contest in horror at the press’s unprecedented willingness to be unpleasant about him.

New party for socialist misanthropes a hit

MEMBERSHIP has surged for a new party for left-wingers who want to help the ordinary people they absolutely despise.

Labour accused of abandoning upper middle class

SENIOR Labour politicians have called on the party to reconnect with its core supporters, people who have nice big houses.

Potential Farage replacements include something that has never been out of its cellar

UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

Grant Shapps to join Wu-Tang Clan

GRANT Shapps has announced plans to join a rap group that actively encourages the use of multiple pseudonyms.

New cabinet fails initial ‘wave and look normal’ test

DAVID Cameron’s cabinet ministers have proved themselves unable to smile and wave like functioning humans.

Lib Dem MPs to form rural puppet theatre company

THE remaining Liberal Democrat MPs are to tour the country in a people carrier re-engaging voters via a hard-hitting puppet show.

Milistone thrown open to vandals

ED Miliband’s pledge tablet has been made available to anyone wanting to try their hand at obscene graffiti.