You can help by keeping your mouth shut, Trump told

BRITAIN has responded to Donald Trump’s offer of help by suggesting he stops saying words with his mouth.

Awful thing caused by people who did it

THE people to blame for the weekend's awful events are the people who did it, it has been confirmed.

Total clusterf**k is Britain’s best hope

A HUNG parliament in which no politician can achieve any of their policy goals is what Britain is really keeping its fingers crossed for right now.

Magic Money Tree false but Enchanted Brexit Fountain real

THERE is no such thing as a Magic Money Tree, believers in the Enchanted Brexit Fountain of Prosperity have told Jeremy Corbyn.

Corbyn probably related to Guy Fawkes or something

JEREMY Corbyn is probably a distant relative of Guy Fawkes, it has been claimed.

Britons spent entire TV debate waiting for losers to be eliminated

VIEWERS of last night’s election debate cannot understand why the losers’ lights were left on throughout the whole thing.

Election's off, says May

THERESA May has cancelled next week's general election after deciding it was not necessary after all. 

Corbyn is hopeless, says woman who can't remember her PIN number

A WOMAN who cannot remember a four-digit number is appalled that Jeremy Corbyn couldn’t immediately recall the cost of a complicated childcare plan.