May offered me drugs, claims Juncker

EUROPEAN Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker claimed the prime minister offered him a range of narcotics over dinner.

May promises she won't raise VAT or call a snap election

THERESA May has pledged not to raise VAT or to call a snap general election ever.

Poll reveals no-one has ever met anyone who has taken part in a poll

THE number of people who know someone who has taken part in an opinion poll is zero, according to a new poll.

May admits she got ‘strong and stable’ from leaflet about erectile dysfunction

THERESA May has been forced to admit her ‘strong and stable’ catchphrase was lifted from an NHS leaflet about erectile dysfunction.

Britain begs for even earlier election

THE public has urged the prime minister to call an even earlier election, like next Tuesday, so this bullshit can end.

Beat me harder this time, begs Goldsmith

ZAC Goldsmith has begged voters in Richmond Park to beat him again and harder because he is a contemptible worm who deserves it.

May considering bringing back workhouses for a laugh

THERESA May is so confident of her election victory that she is toying with bringing back workhouses just because she could.

The f**k is a mugwump? asks Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has made a private call to Downing Street to ask what the fuck a mugwump is and if he is meant to be offended.