Labour campaign to focus on updating CVs

LABOUR MPs are to spend the next seven weeks updating their CVs and talking to recruitment agencies.

Theresa May announces last election

THE PRIME minister has announced that the general election on June 8th will be Britain’s last.

‘More politics? How absolutely f**king fantastic’, says Britain

AN ECSTATIC Britain has thanked Theresa May for calling an early general election because it just cannot get enough of politicians on the news.

Idiots pay million quid to hear speeches by an arse

SOME idiots have paid a million quid to an arse just to hear him speak.

G7 rejects Boris call for midnight raid on tuck shop

THE G7 meeting in Italy has rejected Boris Johnson's plan to sneak into the tuck shop late at night and make off with sweets, it has emerged.

EDL quietly goes back to being a carp fishing syndicate

THE English Defence League has quit campaigning and returned to its roots as a carp fishing syndicate.

Oxford rowing team wins right to choose next prime minister

ROWERS from Oxford University will get to choose the next prime minister after winning a boat race.

Britain to celebrate freedom from Europe by replacing all its laws with identical ones

THE UK will celebrate independence from the EU by repealing all European laws and replacing them with unchanged, but British, ones.