Politics

May trying to imagine what human beings are like

THERESA May is trying to find out what motivates normal human beings so that she can sound vaguely like one of them, it has emerged.

Corbyn absolutely sure public will warm to him by 2037

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn is sure that, given another two decades, the British public will learn to love him.

Man about to be shafted by Tories somehow worried about Marxism

A MAN who is likely to suffer under a Tory government is deeply concerned about a Labour politician being a Marxist.

Bristol elects Tory mayor after most people were too stoned to vote

BRISTOL has elected a Conservative mayor because most of the city’s population was stoned and forgot to vote.

UKIP flattened like an M6 hedgehog

UKIP has been flattened in the local elections like a hedgehog under a convoy of HGVs, it has been confirmed.

I am a strong, stable, paranoid lunatic, says May

THERESA May has told the nation she is a strong, stable leader with paranoid delusions that she has enemies hidden everywhere.

Man distrusts all politicians unless they're right-wing bastards

A MAN who claims all politicians are crooks and liars trusts them implicitly if they are right-wing, it has emerged.

May offered me drugs, claims Juncker

EUROPEAN Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker claimed the prime minister offered him a range of narcotics over dinner.