DAVID Cameron is to tackle obesity by chasing every overweight person in Britain through a shower room whilst flicking their buttocks with a damp towel.
BORIS Johnson is to have his US personality Big Tex Johnson removed and sent to the States to live an independent life.
LABOUR has deployed the famous Vengabus to capture the crucial youth vote in marginal constituencies.
VOTERS have demanded clarification after being told that whoever they vote for they are actually voting for someone else.
NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.
UKIP is courting the vote of immigrants who hate what they see in the mirror, it has confirmed.
ED Miliband is to have his lungs removed, put in an ape and then returned to him to show how keen on the NHS he is.
THE Green Party has revealed plans to replace soldiers with earnest bearded men who bang on about solar panels.