THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.
GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.
ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.
THE prospect of a nice, ripe banana faded rapidly into the distance last night as Britain faced-up to a new age of banana-free austerity.
LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.
THE readers of Britain's biggest newspaper last night threw their electoral support behind lots more football and great big bouncy titties.
BRITAIN would be significantly better off if Gordon Brown had been on prescription painkillers for the last few years, it was claimed last night.
MEMBERS of parliament are to award themselves a monthly allowance based on how guilty they feel about under-equipped British soldiers in Afghanistan.