Gove reinstates school sports if he can be picked first

WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who looks like Robert Pattinson.

Ed Miliband to become a lot more avant-garde

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to restore his party to power with meat suits, eye liner and ending every sentence with the expression 'va-va'.

Councils to sack all the wrong people

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.

Heartless, Insensitive Old Tory Absolutely Spot On

DAVID Cameron's enterprise czar sparked outrage last night after being absolutely right.

Duncan Smith Vows To Make Daytime TV Less Compelling

UNMISSABLE daytime shows like Bargain Hunt will be replaced by footage of rotating cheese in the government's latest bid to make work pay.

Defiant Labour MPs Stand By Goebbels

A GROUP of Labour MPs has written to the German government demanding a posthumous pardon for Joseph Goebbels.

BNP Actually A Wild Animal Charity

THE British National Party was founded as a charity to help nurse poorly hedgehogs back to health, lawyers studying the party's constitution have found.

Spending Review Welcomed By Fagin

THE government's spending review was last night welcomed by wily old men who organise gangs of cheeky pick-pockets.