Politics

Most Etonians Incredibly Well Educated, Say Experts

MOST of the people who went to Eton are much, much better educated than most of the people who went to school in Kirkcaldy, experts said last night.

Queen To Unveil Guaranteed Penis Size

THE Queen's speech will today outline plans for a minimum guaranteed penis size for everyone over the age of 21 and universal access to free chocolate custard.

Fears Grow That Brown May Not Be Very Good With Money

GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance.

MPs 'Should Be Banned From Thieving'

MEMBERS of Parliament should be banned from stealing money and fancy goods, according to a major new report.

BNP To Offer Free Didgeridoo Lessons

THE British National Party last night outlined plans for free didgeridoo lessons for Britain's aboriginal population.

Everyone Hoping Griffin Says Something About Jews

MILLIONS of people across Britain were today hoping BNP leader Nick Griffin will say something stunningly offensive about Jewish people.

Voters To Hire Jimmy Conway From 'Goodfellas'

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

Brown To Sell Pathetic, Home-Made Wooden Things

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.