Politics

BNP Launches Aryan Spread

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

Clegg To Clean Up Politics Using His Personal Bank Account

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

Election Campaign Still There

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

M&S Suit Nearly As Popular As Churchill

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.

Britain Gathers Round Fresh Pile Of Steaming Horseshit

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

Northerners almost the same as people, say Tories

TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives will announce today.

Brown Dangerously Close To Realising What's Wrong With Him

GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.

Tories Publish First Ever Hard-Back Edition Of The Daily Mail

THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.