Good things better than bad things, says Miliband

THERE should be more good things and less bad things, Ed Miliband will announce today.

Ed Balls to pretend we've never met

ED Balls will today attempt to convince Britain that we have him confused with that smug little prick who ruined everything.

Osborne should admit to cocaine-hooker binge even if it's not true

GEORGE Osborne may as well admit he had a night of coke-fuelled hooker sex even if he didn't, it has emerged.

Michael Gove to wrestle Nadine Dorries in a pit

CHANGES to constituency boundaries will lead to MPs fighting each other bare chested in a muddy hole.

Mensch continues to create unusual stirrings

LOUISE Mensch has become the number one cause of odd, conflicted stirrings among Guardian readers, according to a new poll.

Boris not liking this job anymore

DAILY Telegraph columnist Boris Johnson does not like being mayor of London anymore, it has been confirmed.

Miliband nervous breakdown starts early

ED Miliband has begun his mental collapse more than three months ahead of schedule.

Public school ponce acts pretty ballsy

DAVID Cameron showed an unexpected level of front by calling out 200,000 heavily-armed killers yesterday.