Tories Will Scrap Free TV Licence For Bigoted Old Hags, Says Brown

GORDON Brown today accused the Tories of planning to scrap benefits for spiteful, racist old bitches who can freeze to death for all he cares.

Peppa Pig Will Work With Labour But Not Brown

LIBERAL Democrat leader Peppa Pig has insisted she could work with Labour in a hung parliament, but not under Gordon Brown.

Brown To Be Turned Into Glue

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it emerged last night.

Electorate Begs For Death

SERIOUSLY, either stop this shit or kill us, Britain's electorate begged last night.

BNP Launches Aryan Spread

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

Clegg To Clean Up Politics Using His Personal Bank Account

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

Election Campaign Still There

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.