Free parking had better be just the f**king start, say voters

VOTERS have advised the Conservatives that they will need more than ten minutes of free parking to win the election.

TV debate must include at least two mental ones, says Cameron

THE prime minister has said he will only participate in a TV debate if there are at least two mental participants to make him look good.

Farage offers to 'vet' every immigrant

UKIP leader Nigel Farage will vet every potential immigrant to Britain, including a full medical.

Earth distances itself from Green Party

THE planet has confirmed that it does not support the Greens or want them to be encouraged.

House of Lords to trial red light chamber

THE House of Lords is to introduce a decriminalised zone where peers can prostitute themselves without fear of arrest.

UKIP ‘may be a bit racist’

BRITISH politics was in turmoil today after a documentary revealed that UKIP has been infiltrated by racists.

Britain disappointed in Rifkind, delighted about Straw

BRITAIN is deeply disappointed in Malcolm Rifkind and ecstatic that Jack Straw’s reputation has been utterly destroyed.

Barry Chuckle gains three-point poll lead

BARRY Chuckle has taken a shock three-point lead in the run-up to the general election.