Nigel Farage's guide to voting UKIP

GOOD morning and congratulations on making the best decision of your life - you’re going to vote UKIP.

I only eat Wagon Wheels, says Miliband

ED Miliband has confirmed his shopping bill is only £80 a week because he just eats Wagon Wheels.

Government denies Buy A Massive House Free Money Woo Yeah! scheme is a stupid idea

FIRST-TIME buyers can now borrow unlimited money to buy a castle, George Osborne has confirmed.

Every good thing that happens proves the Conservatives got it right

THE heatwave, puppies and the poisoning of Game of Thrones tyrant Joffrey prove that austerity is working, the Tories have claimed.

Cameron gets injections for trip to Scotland

DAVID Cameron has demanded 'all the jabs going' ahead of his trip to Scotland.

Polls are just an indication of how people intend to vote, says Miliband

ED Miliband has dismissed the latest opinion polls, insisting they are nothing more than a fairly good indication of how people will vote in a general election.

Simpletons of Newark bereft

THE stupidest people in Newark were bereft today after being denied the chance to vote for Nigel Farage.

How does UKIP keep selecting all these nutters? asks puzzled Farage

UKIP leader Nigel Farage says he cannot understand how the party keeps choosing candidates with sociopathic opinions.