Man secretly glad he’s missed EU vote registration deadline

A MAN who missed the deadline to register for the EU referendum last night is secretly relieved that it is no longer his problem.

Paranoid terrorist-loving dickhead lunatic imagines media is against him

DANGEROUSLY unhinged Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has paranoid fantasies that the media is against him, a documentary about the knobhead will show.

Nation ready to do whatever beer mat says

BRITONS will do whatever a Wetherspoon beer mat tells them to do, it has emerged.

Boris Johnson proves exercise is bullshit, say experts

BORIS Johnson has baffled scientists by cycling every day but never looking any different.

Cameron faces harsh performance review after missing migrant targets

THE prime minister has admitted he is not looking forward to his next performance review after missing his migrant target by a quarter of a million.

Man who has never left Huddersfield thinks Britain should leave the EU

A MAN who has never left his home town of Huddersfield is certain that Britain should leave the EU, it has emerged.

I’m not f**king driving that, says Samantha Cameron

THE prime minister’s wife responded to his gift of a used Nissan Micra by going mental at him, it has emerged.

Woman torn on EU vote because she likes Jude Law but hates Keira Knightley

A WOMAN cannot decide which way to vote in the EU referendum because she fancies Jude Law but loathes Keira Knightley.