Brown To Be Turned Into Glue

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it emerged last night.

Electorate Begs For Death

SERIOUSLY, either stop this shit or kill us, Britain's electorate begged last night.

BNP Launches Aryan Spread

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

Clegg To Clean Up Politics Using His Personal Bank Account

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

Election Campaign Still There

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

M&S Suit Nearly As Popular As Churchill

A GREY, single-breasted Marks and Spencer suit with four-button cuffs and flat-fronted trousers is almost as popular as Sir Winston Churchill, it emerged last night.

Britain Gathers Round Fresh Pile Of Steaming Horseshit

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.