EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.
PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night wiping urine from his face after attempting to empty his bladder into a strong wind.
ALISTAIR Darling last night pleaded for his immediate dismissal, stressing he was the worst chancellor in more than 60 years.
DAVID Cameron is back in Britain and feeling refreshed after enjoying his proper holiday with millionaire aristocrats.
GORDON Brown received a boost yesterday after Labour's former deputy leader compared him to the frozen food giant Captain Birdseye.
HE has thrown down a coded gauntlet to Gordon Brown, but does David Miliband really have what it takes to be prime minister for a few weeks towards the end of the year?
LABOUR backbenchers are preparing to ditch Gordon Brown and place their electoral fortunes in the hands of the most God-awful cow.
ALLIES of Gordon Brown believe the prime minister will recover in the polls as soon as Britain is hit by a devastating animal disease.