Clegg To Unveil Series Of Things That Will Never, Ever Happen

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.

Naked Brown Coaxed Off Trafalgar Square Plinth

A NAKED, shivering Gordon Brown was finally coaxed off the Trafalgar Square plinth shortly after 8pm last night.

Brown Launches Bid For Terrorist Vote

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on securing the support of as many UK-based terrorists as possible, it emerged last night.

MPs Still Dicks

MEMBERS of Parliament are still dicks, it emerged last night.

MP Who Left Cancer-Stricken Wife For Mistress 'Did Not Break Any Rules'

THE Tory MP who had an affair while his wife was battling breast cancer last night insisted he had followed House of Commons rules 'to the letter'.

Harman's Husband Urged To Shag Her

THE husband of Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman was last night urged to give her a right good seeing to.

Labour Manifesto To Focus On Bullying Injured Soldiers

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on a strategy of dragging injured soldiers through the courts and trying to steal their money.

Boris Johnson Keeps Gigantic Chicken

MAYOR of London Boris Johnson is the owner of a record-breaking chicken it emerged last night.