I'm Not Even Trying Any More, Admits Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night admitted he is not even trying any more after pledging £15bn worth of 'efficiency savings'.

'Civil Servants' 'Exaggerated' 'Case' Against Damian Green

MINSTERS made up a load of lies to try and get Tory frontbencher Damian Green arrested, it has been claimed.

Brown Urged To Distance Himself From Himself

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night being urged to distance himself from himself.

Brown Hails 'Budget From The Future'

THIS month's budget will be the first to be beamed into the House of Commons directly from the future, Gordon Brown has revealed.

Jacqui Smith Changes Name To 'Trixie Beaver'

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has changed her name to 'Trixie Beaver', it was confirmed last night.

MPs To Claim For Black Markers Used To Censor Expenses Claims

MPs are expected to claim thousands of pounds for the black markers they will use to censor their expenses claims, it emerged last night.

Dirty Bombs Not That Dirty, Claims Smith

DIRTY bombs are nowhere near as dirty as some of the stuff you can get on cable, home secretary Jacqui Smith said last night.

Attack On Goodwin Wasn't My Fault Either, Says Brown

GORDON Brown last night added the attack on the home of Sir Fred Goodwin to the list of things that are not his fault.