Kill The Poor, Says Cameron

THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.

Labour MP Is Named Quentin

GORDON Brown's plan for a class war against the Conservatives was in tatters last night after it emerged that one of his MPs is named Quentin.

Tories To Buy Darling A House

THE Conservative Party last night offered to buy chancellor Alistair Darling the home of his dreams.

Brown Unveils Radical Package Of Lies And Bullshit

GORDON Brown today pledged to cut Britain's deficit with a radical package of outright lies.

Most Etonians Incredibly Well Educated, Say Experts

MOST of the people who went to Eton are much, much better educated than most of the people who went to school in Kirkcaldy, experts said last night.

Queen To Unveil Guaranteed Penis Size

THE Queen's speech will today outline plans for a minimum guaranteed penis size for everyone over the age of 21 and universal access to free chocolate custard.

Fears Grow That Brown May Not Be Very Good With Money

GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance.

MPs 'Should Be Banned From Thieving'

MEMBERS of Parliament should be banned from stealing money and fancy goods, according to a major new report.