Britons reclassified as snails

UK RESIDENTS are to be reclassified as snails, in a government bid to avoid the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights.

Tories beaten by 'perfect storm' of Huhne, Rennard and nutjobs

THE Tories admitted there was no way they could have won the Eastleigh by-election as their opponents were either mired in scandal or completely insane.

Lib Dems 'too sexy'

SENIOR Liberal Democrat men are to change the way they dress and act because they have become too sexy.

Cameron annoys all humans

DAVID Cameron is close to winning a £1 bet with Boris Johnson that he can annoy every single human.

Government ditches plan to educate people

THE government has scrapped plans to educate people aged between five and 22.

Independent Scotland to blame cats

UNABLE to continue blaming the English for their misfortunes, an independent Scotland will instead hate cats.