Cameron to whip the obese through changing room with a towel

DAVID Cameron is to tackle obesity by chasing every overweight person in Britain through a shower room whilst flicking their buttocks with a damp towel.

American Boris Johnson and English Boris Johnson to separate

BORIS Johnson is to have his US personality Big Tex Johnson removed and sent to the States to live an independent life.

Labour sends out Vengabus to win youth vote

LABOUR has deployed the famous Vengabus to capture the crucial youth vote in marginal constituencies.

A vote for the SNP ‘is a vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for the Tories is a vote for UKIP’

VOTERS have demanded clarification after being told that whoever they vote for they are actually voting for someone else. 

Clegg changes first name to ‘Ryan’

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

Self-loathing immigrants urged to vote UKIP

UKIP is courting the vote of immigrants who hate what they see in the mirror, it has confirmed.

Miliband undergoing massive operation to prove love for NHS

ED Miliband is to have his lungs removed, put in an ape and then returned to him to show how keen on the NHS he is.

Green Party defence policy is to be really annoying

THE Green Party has revealed plans to replace soldiers with earnest bearded men who bang on about solar panels.