May to be safe pair of... oh she’s f**ked up already

THERESA May has promised to be a steady hand on the tiller before fucking up hugely on her first day in charge.

May 'definitely not' an evil robot made of tin

THERESA May is 'definitely not' a robot made from scrap metal by a spiteful wizard.

Angela Eagle less electable than Eddie the Eagle, finds survey

ANGELA Eagle is a less viable leader of the Labour Party than haphazard ski jumper Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards, it has been confirmed.

‘You were too soft on them,’ May tells portrait of Thatcher

THERESA May has told the portrait of Margaret Thatcher that hangs in her living room that she was too kind-hearted.

Theresa May’s Vision of Britain

Economy: Get. A. Fucking. Job.

Pig’s head story ‘100 per cent true’, confirms Cameron

DAVID Cameron has admitted the story about him inserting his penis into a pig’s head is ‘completely true’.

Report to your local registration centre immediately, warns May

THERESA May has warned all citizens that late registration will not be tolerated.

I’m not nasty, I’m just shit at this, insists Leadsom

ANDREA Leadsom has apologised for her controversial ‘motherhood’ comments, insisting she just has incredibly poor judgement and no empathy for other people.