Revealing Plan Would Ruin It, Says Cameron

BRITAIN breathed sigh of relief last night as Tory leader David Cameron said he had a plan.

Tories Lock Norman Lamont In Large Wooden Box

THE Tories last night staked their claim as the party of economic competence by locking former chancellor Norman Lamont in a great big box.

Kelly To Spend More Time With Spikey Chain Thing

OPUS Dei transport secretary Ruth Kelly is to resign from the cabinet to spend more time with that spikey chain thing they strap round the top of their thighs.

Live Coverage Of Brown's Final Conference Speech - Live!

ONCE again, the Daily Mash books you a front row seat to history in the actual making. Today Gordon Brown delivers his last ever speech to a Labour conference. Will it be really great, or will everyone start shouting 'get off, you jowly freak'? We'll bring you minute by minute highlights as we try to stay with it, all the way through to the end...

Darling To Kickstart Economy With 30 Million One Pound Coins

ALISTAIR Darling is to boost Britain's faltering economy by giving 30 million one pound coins to poor people.

Lib Dems Ask If Clegg Was In Last Of The Summer Wine

THE Lib Dems last night phoned 250,000 voters to ask if Nick Clegg was the medium sized one in Last of the Summer Wine.

Lib Dems Promise Hand Jobs And Ice Cream

EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.

Brown Sprayed By Own Urine

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night wiping urine from his face after attempting to empty his bladder into a strong wind.