Brown To Sell Pathetic, Home-Made Wooden Things

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.

I Will Release Bruce Forsyth Into The Wild, Declares Cameron

ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.

Will We Ever Have Bananas Again, Daddy?

THE prospect of a nice, ripe banana faded rapidly into the distance last night as Britain faced-up to a new age of banana-free austerity.

Fump Off, You Bunch Of Fumpers, Says Mandelson

LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.

Sun Readers To Vote For Football And Tits

THE readers of Britain's biggest newspaper last night threw their electoral support behind lots more football and great big bouncy titties.

Brown Really Should Be On Prescription Painkillers, Says Britain

BRITAIN would be significantly better off if Gordon Brown had been on prescription painkillers for the last few years, it was claimed last night.

MPs To Receive Afghanistan Guilt Allowance

MEMBERS of parliament are to award themselves a monthly allowance based on how guilty they feel about under-equipped British soldiers in Afghanistan.

Clegg To Unveil Series Of Things That Will Never, Ever Happen

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.