Nobody pays for our holidays except Theresa May, says DUP

THE Democratic Unionist MP accused of taking £100k holidays in Sri Lanka has insisted that the only person paying for his jollies is Theresa May.

Britons to milk EU divorce like sad-eyed children

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

F**king take Northern Ireland if you're so in love with it, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

Man somehow unaware Jacob Rees-Mogg is a massive bellend

A MAN somehow believes that arch-wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg is a brilliant individual who would make an excellent prime minister.

You can demand the papers of anyone suspiciously foreign after Brexit, leak reveals

BRITONS will be empowered to demand the papers of anyone a bit foreign-looking after Brexit, a leak has revealed. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg the new Boaty McBoatface

JACOB Rees-Mogg is favourite to be the new Tory leader because Britain votes for whatever is funny, it has confirmed.

Even I'm not sanctimonious enough to turn vegan, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted that even he is not self-righteous and smug enough to become a vegan. 

David Davis to negotiate Brexit by pretending to be deaf

DAVID Davis is to get through the next round of Brexit negotiations by cupping his hand to his ear and pretending he is unable to hear.