Politics

The Mash guide to the next prime minister

VINCE Cable says it could be him, Boris Johnson thinks it should be him, and Rupert Murdoch has already decided it will be Michael Gove. But what are the odds on Britain’s next leader?

Boris unveils plan to become PM by murdering everyone

AN increasingly desperate Boris Johnson plans to become prime minister by murdering everyone else in Britain.

Tedious arse wrongly claiming fascism and communism are the same

A MAN thinks he is making a brilliant intellectual point by pointing out superficial similarities between fascism and communism for the umpteenth time.

May to win approval of young by quitting

THERESA May is to boost her standing among young voters by stepping down with immediate effect.

Nobody pays for our holidays except Theresa May, says DUP

THE Democratic Unionist MP accused of taking £100k holidays in Sri Lanka has insisted that the only person paying for his jollies is Theresa May.

Britons to milk EU divorce like sad-eyed children

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

F**king take Northern Ireland if you're so in love with it, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

Man somehow unaware Jacob Rees-Mogg is a massive bellend

A MAN somehow believes that arch-wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg is a brilliant individual who would make an excellent prime minister.