Politics

Corbyn demands to be only unity candidate

JEREMY Corbyn has asked leadership rival Owen Smith to pull out of the race so he can run as Labour’s lone unity candidate.

Voters can f**k right off, confirms Labour

ANYONE hoping to vote for a functioning centre-left party can take a running jump, the Labour party has confirmed.

Public even more suspicious of state school Tories

CONSERVATIVE politicians who attended state schools should be trusted even less than the posh ones, the public has agreed.

Iain Duncan Smith appointed Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith has returned to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

May orders spin doctors to develop second facet to her personality

THE new prime minister has ordered her PR team to ‘flesh out’ her character beyond stone-faced authoritarianism.

May to be safe pair of... oh she’s f**ked up already

THERESA May has promised to be a steady hand on the tiller before fucking up hugely on her first day in charge.

May 'definitely not' an evil robot made of tin

THERESA May is 'definitely not' a robot made from scrap metal by a spiteful wizard.

Angela Eagle less electable than Eddie the Eagle, finds survey

ANGELA Eagle is a less viable leader of the Labour Party than haphazard ski jumper Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards, it has been confirmed.