Politics

Queen to crowbar cannabis legalisation into speech

THE Queen will announce the legalisation of cannabis tomorrow, against the government's wishes.

Tories not sufficiently unhinged, concedes Cameron

DAVID Cameron has pledged to take the Conservative Party back to its mentally disturbed basics.

UKIP membership drive to include free golliwog

THE UK Independence Party has launched a membership drive offering a traditional British golliwog to anyone who joins by the end of May.

British vaginas are the best in the world, says Farage

NIGEL Farage has admitted conducting research into foreign female genitalia.

Miliband not even good at masturbating

ED Miliband cannot even masturbate like a proper grown-up, it has been confirmed.

MPs to be paid in food stamps

MEMBERS of Parliament will receive their salaries in food vouchers to prevent them wasting money on alcohol and duck houses.